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23 July 2011 @ 08:50 pm
Can't Let You Go  
Title: Can't Let You Go
Author:
penguindaiki
Genre: Romance, Drama
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Dairyu (Arioka Daiki x Morimoto Ryutaro)
Summary: Daiki left Ryutaro’s life five years ago. But now he wants to come back. Is it already too late for a second chance?
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.

 

A/N: This may come off as a bit confusing because the story keeps on shifting from present to past. Just so you know, the italicized paragraphs represent past events. I hope no one gets confused with that ><


 

“I want you back, Ryutaro.”

Daiki let a single tear roll from one of his eyes before wiping it away with the back of his right hand. He bit his lower lip to stop it from quivering. He reached out a hand to caress Ryutaro’s face, but the younger boy turned sideways to avoid the older’s hand. Daiki let his hand fall limply to his side and stared at Ryutaro who was avoiding his eyes. The older boy’s resolve of getting Ryutaro back is slowly crumbling away as the younger boy remained cold and expressionless. Daiki is desperately holding on to something which he had already lost. It’s stupid and pathetic, but the older boy couldn’t let him go. No, he couldn’t open his hands and see that what he’s trying to hold was not really there anymore. He had lost him.

Daiki heaved a deep sigh and closed his eyes, letting his head hit the wall behind him with a soft thud when he leaned back. Painful memories swept him like wildfire, burning what little strength he had of keeping himself from breaking apart.

 Everything ended the moment Ryutaro, walked inside the empty classroom, saved for only two occupants –Daiki and Ryosuke in a heated lip-lock. Ryutaro stumbled on his feet as he tried to get as far away as possible from the scene which is slowly tearing his heart apart and breaking what little hope he had that he can change Daiki.

“It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.” The words seem like a chant in Daiki’s head as he watched Ryutaro walk away from him. “Maybe this time, it’s really over.”  He felt a tinge of pain starting to seep through his heart but he ignored it. No, Arioka Daiki never gets hurt over anything. And he wanted this, right? He’s bored with Ryutaro. Besides, he’s not the type to be tied down to one guy forever. He was never serious with Ryutaro to begin with.

So then, why does he feel so broken inside? He forced a smile on his lips before bringing his attention back to Ryosuke and kissing him once again.

“Woah! Wait, Daiki. Isn’t that your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Aren’t you bothered that he caught us doing this?”

“No. He’ll get over it. Heartbreaks come and go,” Daiki smiled and pinned Ryosuke to the wall as their lips once again made contact, their kisses deepened and hands started roaming one another’s body, caressing every piece of skin they can find. But as pleasure overtook Daiki’s senses, he can’t erase from his mind the look in Ryutaro’s eyes when he caught him. Daiki can feel his heart breaking apart as Ryutaro’s pained expression started to permanently etch itself in his mind.

“Don’t do this, Daiki.”

The older boy opened his eyes and caught Ryutaro now staring back at him but his face remained to be void of any emotion. The younger boy backed away from the older one and fell on his knees. He buried his face on his hands, shaking his head furiously.

“We’re over. Five years, Daiki. Five years of doing nothing but hoping you’ll come back to me. But no, you didn’t. So don’t run back to me now and tell me that you want me back. Not now when I have finally moved on. You don’t even know how painful it was.”

Tears blurred Ryutaro’s vision as he sat by the piano in the silent music room, staring blankly at the white and black keys. He replayed in his mind’s eye the heartbreaking scene he had just witnessed minutes ago.

“There you are!”

Yabu’s voice echoed in the silent room. Ryutaro ignored the disturbance and pressed a finger on one of the piano keys. The note which filled the entire room reflected how broken Ryutaro is. The younger boy raised an eyebrow before walking towards the older one.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere, Ryutaro! Come on, let’s go home. I’m starving.”

“Yabu, just. Just please leave me alone. Go home by yourself. I… I need to be alone.”

This is definitely not the first time Ryutaro said the same line. Yabu soon understood everything as he looked at the younger boy’s distressed state.

“Who is it this time?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, who did you caught with Daiki this time?”

“Ryosuke.”

“Yamada Ryosuke? The leader of the vocal group school? You’re done for, Ryutaro. You’re no match to him.”

Yabu meant it as a joke but when he didn’t get a smart retort from Ryutaro, he patted the younger boy’s back and sighed.

“Don’t worry too much about it. I’m sure Daiki would be running back to you again when he gets bored with that Ryosuke guy. I mean, this is not the first time it happened, right? In the end, Daiki always comes back to you.”’

“Maybe not this time. I’m getting so fucking tired of all these crap, Yabu.”

 “Huh?”

“I’ve always thought that if I kept on forgiving him, he would actually change. But, no. I’m just forgiving him because I can’t let him go. I love him too much but I’m not even sure if he even loves me back. I don’t see any more what’s the point of us staying together. This cycle seems to never end. I would catch him cheating on me, then he comes apologizing and I forgive him like it’s nothing. Like it never really broke my heart. But I’m dying every time I see him with another guy. I’m pathetic. I’m so pathetic holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held.”

“I see you’re starting to put some sense in that head of yours.”

Ryutaro forced a smile as he looked at his friend who is staring blankly at him

“I told you, didn’t I? You can’t change Arioka Daiki. He’s the biggest slut around. Not a Morimoto Ryutaro can change that. It was stupid of you to keep on forgiving him when he’s fucking the shit out of everyone. I mean, come on, you’re the only one I know who keeps on forgiving a cheater like him. You should be a saint. How many times have you caught him? Six times?”

“Seven. This makes it eight.”

Yabu sighed and rolled his eyes. With one last pat on Ryutaro’s back, the younger boy left the younger one to be alone with his thoughts. Tears rolled down from Ryutaro’s eyes as he continued playing with the piano keys. He just wanted something to fill up the deafening silence in his heart which was once filled with the bubbly laughter of Daiki. He’s slowly breaking apart and he just wanted to put an end to everything. But he knows that once Daiki comes apologizing to him, he would forgive him again. He can’t let him go.

However, Daiki never came back to him. That night was the last he saw of the person he loves so much. It was really over.

The older boy sunk down on his knees beside Ryutaro. Pain, guilt, and regret are all crushing Daiki’s soul. But more than anything, it was the sight of scars on Ryutaro’s wrist which finally broke Daiki apart and tore him to thousands of pieces that cannot be glued together anymore.

With shaky fingers, the older boy grasped the younger boy’s wrist and turned it over so he can have a better look. Ryutaro was taken aback at the sudden contact but when he realized what Daiki is looking at, he forced his hand away from the older one and tried to hide it behind his back. But it was too late. Daiki had already seen it.

“Ryutaro… are those… why?”

“Go home, Daiki.”

“Is it because of me? Did you try to kill yourself?”

Something finally snapped in Ryutaro’s head. He stood up and gently pushed Daiki away from him.

“What do you know? You were the one who left. You don’t know how painful it was. These scars… they were nothing compared to how painful it was when you left me. I would much rather die than to go through all that pain. But guess what? I lived through it. I lived through all that pain. For five years, I was existing but I was never really alive. Do you even know how that feels like? You were my life, Daiki. But you threw me away like I was nothing more than a piece of trash. I get it. You were never in love with me. But what I felt for you is honest love. I was so broken when you left. But now that I have finally put together pieces of myself, you come back and tear me apart once again. Please… please, Daiki. I’m begging you. Don’t do this. Just. Just leave.”

Yabu knitted his eyebrows in worry as he stepped inside his shared apartment with Ryutaro. He checked his watch, it read 6PM. The younger boy shouldn’t be home until 8. So why was the front door open? Yabu cautiously called out for Ryutaro’s name but he didn’t get any response. He only breathed a sigh of relief when he saw a figure slump beside the bed inside Ryutaro’s bedroom. The younger boy turned on the lights while asking why the fuck is it so dark inside his room. But the scene he saw drained all the blood from his face.

Ryutaro is sitting on the floor beside his bed with his head slumped over to his chest. The room reeks of alcohol and Yabu saw a couple of beer bottles rolling on the floor. But what made Yabu’s heart jump out is the pool of blood staining the carpet. He ran to Ryutaro’s side and cautiously took his wrist where blood was coming out of two deep slits. Without wasting another breath, the younger boy took out his phone and called for an ambulance.

When Ryutaro woke up, he saw Yabu staring at him forlornly, “Don’t look at me like that, Yabu.”

“Why did you do it? Ryutaro, it’s almost five years. Why did you have to do it again? You said you had already moved on.”

The older boy tore his eyes away from the younger one and looked up at the ceiling. His eyes started to brim with tears but he pushed it back with what little strength he had.

“I dreamt of him last night. I miss him, Yabu.”

Yabu heaved a deep sigh and sat on the edge of Ryutaro’s bed.

“I guess you haven’t really moved on.”

“No, you’re wrong. I already moved on. It’s just that… I suddenly dreamt of him and all those memories came back to me. It was so painful that I suddenly felt like hurting myself to ease the pain.”

“See? Don’t tell me you have already moved on when you still do that to deal with the pain. That’s what you did when he left almost five years ago. And you’re doing it again. I don’t see how you can call that moving on. And you haven’t even tried to date anyone after him. You’re just drifting every day, as if your life was taken away from you. Ryutaro, please. Daiki is not worth this pain. Stop doing this to yourself.”

Daiki stood up and let his head fall on Ryutaro’s chest. The younger boy would have pushed him away if not for the gentle sobs which escaped the older boy. Daiki’s tears weakened Ryutaro’s resolve of pushing the older boy away from his heart.

The younger boy hated himself. He hated himself for still feeling so weak because of Daiki even after five long years of pain and suffering. He hated himself because he wanted to believe that he had already forgotten Daiki, but as the older boy cried on his chest, beautiful and painful memories come rushing back to him all at once. And most of all, Ryutaro hated himself because he couldn’t stop loving Daiki. The pain he went through wasn’t enough for him to forget his love for the younger boy. If there’s anything that the pain did, it was to strengthen Ryutaro’s love for Daiki.

“I’m sorry,” the older boy whispered in between sobs. He let his hand travel to Ryutaro’s wrist, tracing the scars with his thumb. The younger boy shivered under the gentle touch.

“You are wrong, Ryutaro.”

“What?”

“You said that I was never in love with you. You’re wrong.”

Daiki lifted his head so his gaze is now directly at Ryutaro’s eyes. The older boy leaned closer and brushed his lips against the younger one. Ryutaro gasped but made no effort to push Daiki away. The kiss was soft and sweet but it didn’t last long. Daiki pulled away and stared back at Ryutaro once again.

“I was always in love with you but I don’t want to admit it to myself. I was afraid. Love is so big and scary. But in the end, because of my stupid cowardice I ended up hurting you.”

Daiki continued tracing Ryutaro’s scars. The younger couldn’t find the strength to tell Daiki to stop and leave him alone.

“When I moved to the States with my parents, I thought that I would forget you soon enough. But I can’t. You were in my mind every day. Your voice, your scent, your touches, your kisses. I missed everything. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that it took me this long to finally realize that I needed you. You changed me, Ryutaro. I don’t want to fall in love. But I met you and I just couldn’t help it. I was falling in love with you so I felt scared. I tried to push you away. I cheated on you, flirted with other guys. But still, I feel so empty. I needed you. Please, Ryutaro. Give me another chance.”

Daiki sighed deeply as he stared at the ceiling above him. All he can see is Ryutaro’s face hovering above him, smiling sweetly at him and Daiki felt at ease and sad at the same time.

“I miss you,” he softly whispered in the darkness, knowing that his voice would never reach the younger boy. The figure beside him on the bed stirred. Daiki looked at Chinen’s half naked body with his arms wrapped around the younger boy’s waist. The younger boy opened his eyes to find Daiki’s pensive expression.

“What are you thinking about so seriously like that, Daiki?”

“Just… just someone.”

“Hmm… someone you love?”

“I don—I don’t even know if I love him, Chinen.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not capable of loving.”

“Yes you are, Daiki. You just wanted to believe you’re not.”

“I want to see him.”

“Then, go see him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I don’t think it is. You like him and you want to see him. So go see him. You’re just making things complicated with your unnecessary thoughts.”

Ryutaro found himself responding when Daiki kissed him once again. This time the kiss is longer and deeper, and as their tongues battled for dominance, both boys moaned into the kiss. It was a kiss of “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I’m sorry”, and “I want you back in my life”. They poured out all the feelings they kept for five years as their tongues traced each other’s mouth. The hand around Ryutaro’s wrist left and travelled to his nape, playing with his hair.

The wall Ryutaro built around his heart finally crumbled, letting Daiki enter his life once again. He doesn’t care anymore if he gets hurt again. All he knows is that he needs Daiki and he wants him back. He placed his hands on the older boy’s hips and pulled him closer. They made their way to Ryutaro’s bedroom with their lips still interlocked with each other.

It had been five years. Five long years since the last time Ryutaro felt Daiki’s soft skin under his fingertips. Five gruelling years since the last time their lips are pressed sweetly against one another. Five painful years since the last time they are so close that they can feel each other’s heartbeat. But as their bodies melted into one, it was as if time never separated them apart.

Daiki woke up the next day to find Ryutaro sleeping soundly beside him. The older boy smiled and run his fingers through the younger boy’s hair and traced the contours of his handsome face while silently promising to himself that he won’t ever hurt Ryutaro again. The younger boy stirred and opened his eyes. He smiled when he saw Daiki looking so intently at him with love written all over his face.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.”

Ryutaro muttered a barely audible reply. Daiki chuckled and got up to make breakfast. But the younger boy pulled him back and wrapped an arm around his waist. Ryutaro inhaled Daiki’s scent, basking in the warmth he missed so much.

“Let’s stay like this for a little more, Daiki.”

“Ryutaro?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for giving me another chance.”

“No, thank you for coming back.”

The older boy smiled and buried his face on Ryutaro’s chest. No “I love you’s” or “I missed you’s” were exchanged because even without words, everything felt right in that moment. This is where they belong, holding on to each other’s heart and never letting go.



END

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Hehe~ did you like it?!

 

Personally I love this one <3

Please comment.....

 

 
 
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Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
 
 
Kizaaoisoranohikari on July 23rd, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)
Gahh!! I feel like to slap Daiki! Really! LOL
But I'm glad this is a happy ending!!! XDD
I hope he won't hurt Ryuu again or I might be kill him! LOL
Nice fic! XDDD
penguindaikipenguindaiki on July 29th, 2011 06:10 am (UTC)
don't kill Daiki ..... he's already changed and loved Ryutaro

thank you for reading my first fanfic n comment ^^.